The Clumsies Make a Mess of the Airport Read online

  For R. J. P and D. M. P

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Check in, check out, shake it all about

  Knickers

  Drummond and the nose cones, part 1

  Drummond and the nose cones, part 2

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  The Clumsies Make a Mess

  The Clumsies Make a Mess of the Seaside

  The Clumsies Make a Mess of the Big Show

  The Clumsies Make a Mess of the Zoo

  The Clumsies Make a Mess of the School

  It was a Tuesday morning and Howard and the Clumsies were going on holiday. Howard was carrying a bag and feeling . Purvis was carrying a small bag and feeling eager.

  Mickey Thompson was carrying a sombrero and staring at a vending machine while Allen the dog and Ortrud the elephant (carrying nothing), were looking a little bit as they gazed around the airport’s vast departure hall.

  Howard glanced down at them.

  ‘There’s no need for he said, bracingly. ‘We’re all going to have a nice, relaxing time, aren’t we?’

  Allen and Ortrud nodded Purvis nodded eagerly and Mickey Thompson began to

  ‘We’re going to he shouted

  ‘Yes, indeed,’ said Howard. ‘Our holiday starts right here; the travelling’s all part of the fun.’

  ‘Oh, I can’t wait, I can’t wait,’ said Mickey Thompson. He stuck out his arms like wings and raced off shouting

  ‘COME BACK,’ Howard.

  went Mickey Thompson, racing back and into Howard’s foot.

  ‘Ouch,’ said Howard.

  ‘Sorry, Howard,’ said Purvis, grabbing his brother before he could set off again. ‘He’s over-excited about the

  ‘We’re going to a million miles fast and a billion miles than the sun,’ announced Mickey Thompson. Ortrud in alarm and Allen looked a little

  ‘PURVIS!’ said Howard, loudly. ‘Tell us which part of the holiday you’re most looking forward to.’

  ‘Travelling wisely,’ said Purvis, delving into his bag and producing a well-thumbed book called “The Wise Traveller”.

  ‘It has all sorts of useful information,’ he said, ‘but there were one or two things I wanted to ask you, Howard.’

  ‘Ask away,’ said Howard. Purvis opened the book and out a drawing of Howard in a swimsuit, on a tropical-looking beach.

  a minute,’ said Howard.

  ‘Yes,

  a minute,’ said Mickey Thompson. ‘That’s my drawing; I did it last week.’

  ‘I know,’ said Purvis. ‘I borrowed it to use as a bookmark.’

  ‘I’ve been looking for it everywhere,’ Mickey Thompson. ‘I wanted to it up in the office.’

  ‘We will,’ said Purvis, ‘as soon as we get back from holiday.’

  ‘Oh no we won’t,’ said Howard. ‘It’s unflattering.’

  ‘It isn’t,’ protested Mickey Thompson. ‘It looks just like you.’

  ‘I disagree,’ said Howard.

  ‘I think it’s good,’ said Purvis.

  ‘So do I,’ said Mickey Thompson.

  ‘But, but,’ Howard.

  ‘Listen,’ said Purvis, tapping his book.

  ‘“The wise traveller is a calm traveller, remaining cheerful at all times and never bickering with his, or her, companions.”’

  ‘Sensible advice,’ Howard. ‘Now, what was it you wanted to ask?’

  ‘Well,’ said Purvis, ‘there are chapters on safaris and camel trains and hot air ballooning, and what to wear

  and what to pack and what to say, but I couldn’t find anything about airports.’

  ‘Nothing at all?’ said Howard, sounding

  ‘No,’ said Purvis, ‘so I don’t know what it is we’re supposed to do here.’

  ‘It’s simple,’ said Howard. ‘First we check in at “check in”. He pointed at a sign marked “Check in”, and everyone looked and .

  ‘Check in,’ Mickey Thompson. ‘Check in.’

  ‘Then we go through security.’ Howard pointed at a queue of people shuffling quietly under a sign marked “Security”. Everyone nodded and looked.

  ‘After security we leave the “landside” part of the airport, which is here, and go to the “airside” part of the airport, which is through there.’ Howard pointed at some double doors marked “Airside through here”, and everyone looked slightly .

  ‘Then we wait until it’s time for us to .’

  Mickey Thompson started again and stuck out his arms.

  ‘Not so ,’ said Howard, grabbing him before he could run off. ‘This airport is a and busy place full of and busy people, so it’s very important we all keep together: we don’t want anyone getting lost, or , do we?’

  ‘No, Howard,’ said the mice.

  ‘No, Howard,’ agreed Howard. ‘Please explain it to Allen and Ortrud, too.’

  ‘They heard you,’ said Purvis.

  ‘They’re still looking said Howard, peering at them. ‘No need for he said bracingly, again. ‘We’re all going to have a nice, holiday.’

  ‘We certainly are,’ said Purvis. ‘Ortrud wants to go snorkelling and Allen would like to try golf.’

  ‘Excellent,’ said Howard. ‘And I’m going to take you all to see the Armitage Museum.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Purvis. ‘Yes.’

  ‘Did you know,’ said Howard, ‘the Armitage Museum was founded by my great-great-great-great-great-great grandmother’s second cousin once removed, Miss Hortence-Howardenia Armitage?’

  said Mickey Thompson. ‘You told us.’

  ‘The Armitage Museum,’ continued Howard, ‘contains Armitage-related memorabilia from around the world, including 392 photocopies of the birth, marriage and death certificates of Armitages past, and 64 newspaper cuttings.’

  ‘That’s , Howard,’ said Purvis, stifling a yawn.

  ‘It has the collection of… wait a minute,’ said Howard, staring at Allen and Ortrud, who had curled up and closed their eyes.

  ‘What’s wrong with them now?’

  Howard,’ said Purvis. ‘, shouldn’t we be getting along to check in?’

  ‘You’re right,’ said Howard. He picked up his bag and started in it. ‘I’ll just find my ticket and passport and stuff and oh dear.’

  ‘What’s wrong?’ said Purvis.

  ‘I’ve just had a thought,’ said Howard.

  ‘Where’s he going? What’s he doing?’ said Allen, jolting upright.

  ‘I’ve no idea,’ said Purvis.

  ‘I have,’ said Mickey Thompson. ‘He’s limbering up for the , of course. Come on.’ He put down his sombrero and started to star-jump, so Allen and Ortrud joined in while Purvis watched Howard head northwards, then leftwards, grab a handful of leaflets from a leaflet display, then turn and run towards them.

  ‘Right,’ said Howard, arriving back, and opening a leaflet marked, “Rules and Regulations, part 17(b), appendix 5, W-Z”. ‘I need to work out what to do next.’

  ‘Check in next, surely?’ said Purvis.

  ‘They’re limbering up,’ explained Purvis. ‘For the .’

  ‘I wish they wouldn’t,’ said Howard. ‘It’s distracting.’

  ‘That’s enough for now, actually,’ Mickey Thompson, rolling onto his back and flat on the floor. Allen and Ortrud rolled too and lay next to him.

  ‘So, Howard,’ said Purvis. ‘Is there a problem?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Howard. ‘I’d completely forgotten there are all sorts of rules and regulations about getting through check in and security and over to airside.’ He pointed at the double doors in the distance. Everyone looked at
the doors and then at Howard.

  ‘What sort of rules and regulations?’ asked Purvis.

  ‘We’re not allowed any said Howard.

  ‘That’s OK, we haven’t got any said Purvis as Ortrud wildly.

  Howard winced, and passed Purvis the leaflet.

  said Purvis, reading it out. ‘It says,

  “For the purposes of these rules and regulations wildlife is defined as any unauthorised animal including hedgehogs, donkeys, tigers, snakes—”’

  ‘Ortrud’s in the clear!’ Mickey Thompson.

  ‘I haven’t finished yet,’ said Purvis. ‘“Badgers, foxes, elephants—”’

  ‘Whoops,’ said Mickey Thompson, as Ortrud again even more wildly.

  ‘“Cows”,’ continued Purvis, ‘“wombats etc.; mice”.’

  Everyone .

  ‘But we’re not said Mickey Thompson. ‘We live in Howard’s office; it’s all cosy, with biscuits.’

  ‘I know that and you know that,’ said Howard, ‘but the airport authorities don’t. They’ll say elephants and mice are things and that things are strictly against the rules. I’m not sure about Allen, either.’

  Allen wagged his tail and his tongue lolled out.

  ‘Allen’s the least of any of us,’ said Purvis. ‘He won’t be any trouble.’

  ‘Of course he won’t,’ said Howard, patting Allen’s head.

  ‘Nor will we,’ said Mickey Thompson,

  ‘Of course you w…’ began Howard and stopped, and coughed. He walked over to some seats and sat down.

  ‘I don’t know what I was thinking,’ he said. ‘They’re never going to let me through with a dog, two mice and an elephant.’

  ‘Oh dear,’ said Purvis.

  ‘Ah well,’ said Howard, ‘never mind. I’ve managed without a holiday for – how is it now?’

  Purvis opened his bag and took out a piece of paper covered in pencil marks. He counted them up.

  ‘Seven years, five months, three days,’ he said.

  ‘Then I can probably manage a little ,’ said Howard. ‘We’d better get back to the office.’

  ‘Howard!’ chorused the mice, disappointedly.

  ‘But our holiday, Howard,’ said Mickey Thompson. ‘We were going to fly.’

  ‘And snorkel,’ said Purvis, ‘and go to the beach, and play golf and, and… visit the Armitage Museum.’

  Howard sadly and the mice exchanged glances then huddled together, .

  ‘What’s all the ?’ said Howard.

  said Purvis.

  ‘Go on,’ Mickey Thompson.

  ‘The thing is,’ said Purvis.

  ‘What is the thing?’ said Howard.

  ‘Say it,’ Mickey Thompson.

  said Purvis, swallowing. ‘Would you prefer it if we didn’t come?’

  Howard his eyes.

  he said. ‘Would I prefer it if you didn’t come, you say?’

  The mice nodded.

  ‘If you didn’t have us you wouldn’t have any problems,’ said Purvis, ‘and you could still go and see your museum.’

  ‘Well, let me think…’ said Howard, so the mice stared at the ground and a bit while Howard pretended to think.

  ....................................

  ....................................

  ‘Howard?’ said Purvis, after a while.

  ‘OF COURSE I WOULDN’T PREFER IT IF YOU DIDN’T COME!’ shouted Howard, . ‘I’ve never heard such nonsense.’

  ‘But—’ began Purvis.

  ‘But nothing,’ said Howard. ‘That settles it: one way or another I’m going on holiday and you’re all coming with me. Is that understood?’

  Purvis let out a of relief and Mickey Thompson started to star-jump again in double quick time, so everyone else joined in.

  ‘That’s enough jumping for now, actually,’ Howard, quite quickly.

  ‘We still need to work out how to get through without anyone noticing, not to mention the—’

  ‘Mr Bullerton,’ Purvis.

  ‘We’re not taking him,’ said Howard, ‘and for once he needn’t worry us; he’s safely tucked away inside the office.’

  ‘Oh no he’s isn’t,’

  Mickey Thompson.

  ‘LOOK OUT!’

  shouted Purvis, and the mice and Allen and Ortrud shot under the seat just in time as Mr Bullerton, Howard’s boss, arrived.

  He was dragging a shiny suitcase and wearing some stripey shorts, and looking even than usual.

  ‘Hello there,’ said Howard, trying to sound friendly.

  said Mr Bullerton. ‘What do you think you’re doing, Howard Armitage?’

  ‘I’m going on holiday,’ said Howard.

  ‘Oh no you’re not,’ said Mr Bullerton.

  ‘But, but you said I could,’ said Howard.

  ‘But, but I’ve changed my mind,’ said Mr Bullerton, in a sneery voice. ‘I’ve decided I am the one who shall have a holiday and you are the one who shall work. Get back to the office.’

  ‘No,’ said Howard.

  Mr Bullerton, turning puce.

  ‘I couldn’t possibly, I’m afraid,’ said Howard. ‘They’re all far too excited.’

  ‘They?’ said Mr Bullerton. ‘All? And wait, what’s this?’ He bent down and picked up Mickey Thompson’s sombrero, which was lying nearby. he said, sniffing it. ‘It’s the one off that stupid straw souvenir donkey you keep on your desk.’

  Howard gazed at it. ‘Oh, so it is,’ he said. ‘I wondered where he got it from.’

  ‘You’re ,’ said Mr Bullerton, and he flapped the hat in Howard’s face then dropped it and kicked it across the departure hall. There was a noise from underneath the seat.

  ‘That was most unnecessary,’ said Howard.

  ‘Get back to work,’ said Mr Bullerton. ‘AND TAKE YOUR TINY SOMBRERO WITH YOU.’

  He grabbed Howard and Howard’s bag and manhandled them over to the exit.

  ‘STAY THERE,’ Howard, over his shoulder. ‘I’LL BE BACK SOON.’

  ‘Oh no,’ said Purvis.

  ‘Poor Howard,’ said Allen.

  ‘MY HAT,’ Mickey Thompson. ‘Did you see what he did? He kicked my hat.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Purvis. ‘It was most unnecessary.’

  ‘I’m going to find it,’ said Mickey Thompson, and before anyone could do anything he shot out from under the seat and hurtled off.

  ‘WAIT,’ Purvis, but it was too late – Mickey Thompson had already into the throng of trolleys and luggage and legs.

  ‘Oh no,’ said Purvis.

  ‘Poor Mickey Thompson,’ said Allen.

  ‘I’ll go and find him,’ said Purvis, and he shot out from under the seat and hurtled off in the same direction.

  ‘STAY WHERE YOU ARE,’ he shouted over his shoulder. ‘WE’LL BE BACK SOON.’

  ‘WAIT,’ Allen, and Ortrud in alarm, shot out from under the seat and hurtled off in the wrong direction.

  said Allen, dithering. help.’ He crept out from under the seat, ran one way, ran the other way, dithered a little bit more and

  Meanwhile, Purvis was racing along frantically dodging wheels and feet and had started gaining on Mickey Thompson when there was a sudden up ahead. Mickey Thompson to a halt and Purvis crashed into him just as a ride-on electric cart past, with a woman on top, being chased by a pack of photographers. In the middle of the flashing and clicking, the cart gave a lurch and stopped dead.

  ‘Oh boy,’ said the woman.

  ‘BANGY!’

  the photographers.

  ‘Purvis!’ Mickey Thompson, grabbing Purvis’s arm. ‘Look! It’s Bangy de Gamba!’

  ‘Who?’ said Purvis.

  ‘You know,’ said Mickey Thompson, ‘the one from that film we watched last week:

  “Mega-Collider Five”. She was the scientist.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Purvis, peering. ‘Oh, so it is. She’s very, um...’

  ‘,’ Mickey Thompson, ‘and clever; she was the one who discovered the quark-gluon plasma, remember?’
<
br />   ‘Not really,’ said Purvis, ‘and anyway it wasn’t her.’

  ‘It was,’ said Mickey Thompson, ‘just after the man in the mustard suit turned out to be a baddie.’

  ‘Yes, OK, well anyway,’ said Purvis, ‘we should get going.’

  ‘No, wait,’ said Mickey Thompson. ‘Let’s watch, just for a little while. I’ve never seen a famous star before.’

  ‘I thought you wanted to find your hat,’ said Purvis.

  said Mickey Thompson, entranced, so together they watched as Bangy de Gamba climbed off the cart and did dazzling and twirling for the photographers while her driver tried to start it up again and her heavies hovered nearby.

  ‘BANGY! BANGY!’ the photographers.

  ‘Something’s stuck,’ the driver.

  ‘Unstick it,’ gritted Bangy, dazzling and twirling harder and faster as more and more people realised what was going on and gathered around to gawp.

  breathed Mickey Thompson.

  ‘Yes,’ said Purvis.

  said the driver, yanking out something from one of the wheels, and flapping it.

  ‘My hat,’ Mickey Thompson.

  ‘What is it?’ said Bangy.

  ‘IT’S MY HAT,’ called Mickey Thompson, waving his hand in the air and .

  ‘It’s just some bit of old rubbish,’ the driver told Bangy. ‘I’ll bin it as soon as we find a bin.’

  Mickey Thompson made a noise.

  ‘No, don’t do that,’ said Bangy. ‘Look, it’s a tiny sombrero. It’s cute!’

  Mickey Thompson made a noise.

  ‘I think I’ll keep it for luck,’ she said, and she popped it into her bag, climbed on the cart and was away.

  Mickey Thompson made a yodelling noise and launched himself through the photographers onto the back of the cart and was away too.